Bullying’s Many Sides: Part 1 appeared in the January 2015 issue of Little Rock Family. The article describes the ages and stages of bullying, the opposite sex and aggression, bullying at the speed of technology, and action steps/resources.

Bullying is a complex problem with often very complex solutions. In many cases, bullies are also victims of bullying or some type of abuse themselves. We partnered with Ally Orsi, LCSW with Methodist Family Health in Little Rock to address the various aspects of the bullying issue this month. She has been a psychotherapist for over 20 years, first with the forensic unit at the Arkansas State Hospital and continuing her work through the years with the chronically mentally ill and as an advocate.

Here, Ally weighs in on some of the very weighty matters of bullying in order to help our readers help themselves or loved ones cope, heal and thrive.

Little Rock Family: How would you describe the bullying epidemic?

Ally Orsi: We often don’t pay enough attention to emotional and psychological abuse, yet we brush it off and it ends in death. You can’t leave a tumor alone because it will grow. The act of bullying is an abnormal focus on someone else. Too many people stay silent when they should say something. Keeping things a secret doesn’t work. Kids, especially teens, are self-conscious as it is. Bullying is like a blister in the sun.

It is important to not engage, but to confront the situation. It is true that if you have confidence you’ll be less likely of a target, but you can’t always go conflict free in your life. It’s a matter of what you’re going to do about the conflict you’re in. Kids can be very mean and need adults to intervene at times. Their impulses are outpacing their judgment.

LRF: Please describe emotional and physical aspects of bullying.

AO: Younger kids threaten, push, damage property and exclude people from things. Bullying generally peaks in junior high and high school, ages 11-18. They’re being made fun of or rumors are spread. Kids are very self-conscious during this stage of development and want to fit in. They may experience gossip and people not wanting to sit with them at lunch. On school buses there can be physical threats or sexual assaults. The behavior can turn into campaigns against someone. These campaigns can be kids to kids or even adults to kids.

Pay attention to your child’s behavior at home to make sure they’re not showing signs of depression. If they are isolating themselves, they may be experiencing some type of bullying. Their intense feelings can translate into self-injury. They try to control the feelings by causing pain someplace else.

Some bullying is malignant and some is isolated. Some individuals are bullied so badly as a child they have flashbacks as adults.

LRF: How is technology playing a part in this issue?

AO: We often try to do a better job of knowing where our children are. But, we need to ask where they are going when they shut their door…when they are going online. People disguise themselves as other people on the internet. Threats are made. Fake profiles are set up to harm others. Provocative pictures are posted and shared. Bullying happens through video games like Club Penguin, Clash of Clans, Minecraft, and more. Kids can wander into trouble very easily. Be wary of Snapchat, Vine, Skype and others. Instagram is where most young people are now. Your child may have surreptitiously set up a site for themselves. A lot of bullying happens through texting as well. Songs are even used to torment, through mean lyrics or ways of making someone feel paranoid.

The thing to remember as a parent is that you DO have the right to control your child’s internet access. I have policies with my kids. We read texts. We have apps for GPS location and parental controls. Key logger logs every stroke and computer activity. It’s important for parents to learn how to use the computer and to be online checking. Always look at ratings. Know the page. Know the people. Know the laws. Online bullying is terroristic threatening and you’ve got it right there in writing. The bully is so busted. Keep it. Take a picture of the page and message.

LRF: What are some ways for caring adults to address the problem of bullying?

AO: The question your child and you can ask the bully is, “Why are you so interested in me to begin with?” Your children have a right to their education. Some schools are really making an effort. Still, too many of them are looking the other way. Some people are able to switch schools or homeschool. For some people that’s just not an option. In some cases, it might even need to go to the school board. Journalists can also be very helpful as in the “Justice for Jada” case where the news of a rape of the 16-year-old in Houston went viral. They came out swinging. If you are hearing any reports, your child needs your help.

Healing steps for parents to take with their children

  1. Make a point to sit down, ask questions and listen more. Have open dialogue. We’re teaching them we can be trusted.
  2. When you hear a case on the news, talk about it.
  3. Ask kids what their thoughts are. Are they afraid? Are they hurting themselves? Are they refusing to go to school?
  4. Try to remain calm. Our children are watching us and how we deal with the situation. They want to know we’ve got this.
  5. Give them lots of praise for talking about the situation. Ask them if they want to write about it, how they feel and what they think.
  6. Don’t be afraid to seek professional help.
  7. Let your child know if they have made the mistake of bullying someone, it’s never too late to change.