Before I became a mother, I had a lot of ideas about pregnancy and parenthood. Here are just a few of them. Please hold your laughter until the end.

• I would exercise daily and gain only about 30 pounds during pregnancy. After giving birth, I would give myself six months to get my body back.
• Breastfeeding would be as natural as breathing, obviously, and it would also melt off the pounds.
• Our baby would sleep well, always in his crib. When he cried out at night, I would listen carefully to discern the type of cry. If he wasn’t hungry, I’d simply pat his back until he dozed off again. I would do just as Pamela Druckerman instructed in “Bringing Up Bébé,” and there was no question that it would work.
• I was not going to be one of those people who had a baby and never left the house again. Our baby would adjust to our lifestyle, not the other way around. Further, our child would never, ever make a scene in a restaurant.

Yeah.

I gained almost 60 pounds. Twenty months later, I can finally wear my old clothes, but my body will never be the same.

After a long, unproductive labor, I had a C-section. I was so tired I fell asleep on the operating table, but I woke up in time to hear my almost eight-pound baby boy take his first breath and to see the tears in my husband’s eyes. The nurse broke the spell, “To say he has a conehead is an understatement,” she giggled. (For the record, his head is still in the 99th percentile.)

Breastfeeding was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and I’ve survived cancer. I had trouble learning how to feed my baby and get him to latch properly. Instinct it is not. Soon-to-be-moms, take a breastfeeding class. Trust me.

For the first five months of motherhood, I slept on the sofa with my son on my chest. Don’t judge; I was exhausted, and he cried every time I put him down. We tried the Pack ‘n Play, bassinet, Nap Nanny, crib, Rock ‘n Play and swing. Fisher-Price loved us. But the baby was happy only when being held, so I quickly yielded to his desires.

Then we found Elizabeth Pantley’s “The No-Cry Sleep Solution” and stumbled toward rest and sanity. Our boy sleeps like an angel now, in his crib, and I get the luxury of sleeping in my very own bed.

Our lifestyle is no longer our own, nor are our days and weekends. We plan our days and evenings around our son’s needs, and choose restaurants for kid friendliness, not their wine lists. We make a mess at every meal, and our son laughs maniacally while throwing crayons and utensils on the floor.

But I smile and laugh more than I ever have. What a beautiful season of life we inhabit, and I know it will be over in a flash. Though we enjoyed our life before, I’ll happily trade restaurants with great wine lists for watching my son discover the world.

My husband and I may not get everything about parenthood right.

Who does?

And we may not do it all by the book, but we’ll do our best. Somewhere in between singing our ABCs and talking about planes and trains, we hope to teach our little boy to be a good person. To be himself always; to stand up for his beliefs; to take action; to have faith and hope; to help others; to work hard; and, above all, to make the world a better place.

Amanda Hoelzeman is an Arkansas native and former editor who is now communications director at Arkansas Advocates for Children and Families. She and her husband Keith are parents to a lively towhead toddler. When she’s not working or following after her son, Amanda likes to run, write, and drink coffee, in all its varieties.