Babies cry. Parents expect it, are patient with it, and do their best to meet their babies’ needs. But when babies cry – or scream – because they don’t get their way, rather than because they need something, it can become another ballgame. How do parents deal with a tantrum-throwing infant who was simply told “no,” and better yet, how do they keep calm in the process?

According to Dr. Nicholas Long, director of the Center for Effective Parenting at Arkansas Children’s Hospital, infants may begin throwing “temper tantrums” as they approach their first birthday. Until this time, babies mainly cry when they need something, and parents should always respond to those needs. However, true “tantrums” begin to occur when a child doesn’t get what he wants (as opposed to what he needs). Long said parents should “go with their gut instinct” in distinguishing between the two. He also said that having a lot of “tantrums” as an infant or toddler does not signify any particular later personality type.

One example of a tantrum trigger might be a clothes or diaper change. Dr. Long said the best way to deal with these kinds of fits is to go about changing the diaper in a matter-of-fact manner. However, if the child does not protest or the child stops the fit during the changing, parents should immediately give the child a lot of positive attention (e.g., eye contact, happy face, talking sweetly – having a really positive interaction). “You are trying to teach your child that the fussing gets no positive attention, while she gets a lot of positive attention when she is not fussing during diaper changes,” Long said.

“This concept of positive affirmation is really the basis for disciplining children in all areas,” Long conveyed. “Discipline really means ‘to teach,’” he said. “As parents focus on teaching their children how they want them to behave, they need to focus not only on trying to decrease negative behaviors through punishment but have even more focus on how they can encourage and reinforce positive behaviors.”

So the first step in “disciplining” (or teaching) infants is simply making a distinction between positive affirmation and the word “no,” said sternly. Long said parents can also simply ignore their child’s tantrums or use distraction as a technique. For example, if a toddler becomes frustrated with a certain toy or when they are told they can’t play with something, the parent can offer them something else to play with. “One of the keys here is to try to distract when you see the frustration but before the tantrum escalates to the point where distraction would not be effective,” Long said.

At about 18 months old, parents may begin implementing other discipline techniques, such as “time-out.” Unfortunately many parents do not use time-out correctly, Long shared. Some tips for implementing time-out are as follows: choose a location away from toys or anything entertaining; have child sit in a straight-back chair; child should not be allowed to talk in time-out; time-outs should last one minute for each year of age up to a maximum of five minutes. (For a full hand-out on the effective use of time-out, visit parenting-ed.org.) Again though, the most important component of time-out is what happens during “time-in” – praising and affirming children for their good behavior.

With enough wisdom and patience, parents can overcome the dreaded temper tantrums. Praising good behavior and consistency in discipline are the keys to success. And if that doesn’t work, there’s still an end to the tunnel. Dr. Long said most children outgrow tantrums by the age of 4!

What’s worked for our readers…

Janae: Max is 17 months and has just started dropping to the floor and whining. Since it is usually over him wanting something, I stick to my guns and keeps saying “No!” Usually he will finally give up. If it goes on for too long, I change tactics and try redirection. That is working really well right now.

Megan: Savannah is 18 months and she starts to fake cry and falls out. I pretend cry with her and she stops and looks at me like I’m silly.

Megan: Peyton is 16 months old, and when she throws tantrums, I pick her up and take her to a corner of a room with a firm “NO LOOK” and say “NO.” Then I walk away without looking at her. I have done this for the last week and Peyton has not thrown many temper tantrums, and she seems to acknowledge what the word “NO” means.