October is National Family Sexuality Education Month. Are you feeling anxious yet? Have your nerves over broaching the subject with your tween caused you to decimate the Halloween candy stash like a ravenous werewolf? Never fear, parenting expert Sharon Long is here sharing some priceless information to help you navigate the most frightful of (ongoing) conversations with your kids.

Ideally, talking with your child about sex starts as soon as they reach the age at which they are verbal. Don’t panic. That means that throughout the preschool and elementary years we call body parts by their actual names and answer questions factually. Child development experts suggest that parents answer questions honestly and in a matter-of-fact, age-appropriate way. By the time the child approaches adolescence, we will undoubtedly be discussing such topics as puberty, relationships, sexual feelings, media messages and peer pressure, to name a few. The foundation for these sometimes emotionally-loaded discussions is honest, open communication. So, as parents, our primary focus is to establish a positive, trusting, reciprocal communication pattern with our child—the earlier, the better.

Once the tween/teen years hit, get ready! Remember that parents are the child’s most influential teachers. Children make sense of the world by watching our behavior and reactions to others. It is a research-supported fact that our nonverbal communication (tone, gestures, and body language) can have a greater impact than the words we speak. With this in mind, it should be noted that children typically repeat what we do, not what we tell them to do. Therefore, being comfortable with our own sexuality and modeling responsible, respectful behavior is the first step in opening the door to communicating about sex. Make talk about love, marriage, sex and commitment a part of routine conversations. Using “I-messages” is a great parenting tool to ease these discussions. Simply use the sentence stems (“I think. . . I know. . . and/or, I feel . . . ) and fill in the blanks.

For example, we might say, “I think teenagers think and talk about sex a lot . . . ” and then wait for our teen to respond. If they look at us with a blank stare and say nothing, the parent has still communicated an openness to have a conversation about sex. If they say, “No, we don’t,” again we have initiated a conversation that is simply based on what we think and observe. This is the perfect time to clearly express our own moral values. Again, keep it short (one sentence) and honest, e.g., “I think (fill-in-the-blank). . . .” During these years when our ‘tweens and teens are being bombarded with messages related to sex, they really want to know what we think, as well as information that will help them develop and clarify their own value system. This is also the time to communicate that you believe they will be responsible and make good choices.

In our conversations about sex with ‘tweens and teens, we want to talk about ALL parts of love, i.e., attraction, affection, respect, happiness, a sense of connection, etc. The truth is that it is natural for many adolescents to be extremely curious, eager, and scared about feelings and changes. Parents want to give factual information and respect our teen’s ability to use it. It’s important here to communicate that we can choose what to do when we have sexual feelings. Reinforcing this belief empowers the teen to make good choices.

The actual words we use to talk with our ‘tweens and teens about sex are not as important as the attitude we convey. If we communicate an openness to hear what they are thinking and feeling and respond with honest “I-messages,” the adolescent will most likely come to us for advice. Parents want to avoid lecturing. Parental prohibitions will not stop sex. Open dialogue about sexuality will, however, have a positive impact on sound decision-making and responsible behavior. Of course, our own values and what we know about our teen influences what we talk about in the area of sexuality. For sure, parents want to discuss the reproductive process and birth control. Whether you stress abstinence or methods such as condoms and pills, it is important that the teen understand the risks and benefits of each. Teens should also know the facts about STDs. The teen’s primary care physician can assist in this discussion, if needed.

So, as we approach the teenage years with our child, remember it is important for parents to:

1) Be prepared with factual information;

2) Avoid getting hooked into arguments;

3) Invite your teen’s input; and

4) Come from an attitude of caring, rather than simply demanding obedience. . . e.g., “I care about your health and safety more than you can imagine.”

It is also important for the parent to clearly articulate boundaries and expectations for their home, e.g., age-appropriate curfew, limits on social networking, accountability when out with friends, and establishing a “no-use” rule for alcohol and drugs. Using these guidelines contributes to a trusting relationship that allows open communication to flourish!

Sharon Long is the Parent Education Coordinator/Trainer at Centers for Youth and Families in Little Rock.