Milestones & Red Flags: Tips on Gauging Your Preschooler's Social Development
All children develop at different rates. We have heard this from our mothers and grandmothers for years. But, how do you know if your child’s development is on track? How do you know if he or she has met the appropriate social and emotional milestones? Let’s start by imagining a typical morning with your preschooler:
It is 7 a.m. and time to get ready for preschool. Your preschooler is sitting on the floor refusing to wear the cold weather-appropriate shirt because he wants to wear the dinosaur tank top he loves. He helped his little sister get dressed with the appropriate clothes and even reprimanded her for trying to change clothes, so why is he refusing his own clothes?
Ten minutes later the clothing fight is over, and you won. He grumbles as he walks downstairs to the kitchen but immediately gets excited when he sees the new breakfast cereal. He quickly forgets about the dinosaur tank top. Happily, he gets his own spoon and bowl, and he even asks for you to help pour his cereal.
On the drive to preschool, he tells you about a disagreement over a toy dump truck that happened at school and that he was not going to play with that friend again. You remind him to be nice to friends, and he changes the subject to his new superhero socks. You arrive at preschool, and he runs to join a friend, but wait, isn’t that the dump truck offender?
If you feel lost in your understanding about typical social development for the preschool aged child, you are not alone. Here are some appropriate milestones you can watch for as you interact with your child throughout their day-to-day activities.
3-year-old
- Attempts to imitate adult behaviors (chores, grooming, body language)
- Tests limits, says “no” often
- Unable to see other’s point of view and temperamental
- Can briefly sit with other kids in groups (library story time, birthday parties, etc.)
- Likes to play beside other children, needs help to play with others cooperatively
4-year-old
- Sensitive to how others feel about him/her, will seek comfort from caregivers
- Wants to please adults, usually follows requests, imitates adults
- May be overly emotional and reactive to situations
- Interested in friends, able to briefly play cooperatively
- Needs help with conflicts, able to take turns with help
5-year-old
- Strongly attached and proud of family
- Enjoys playing cooperatively with friends, may be selective, doesn’t like rejection
- Shows concern for others, empathy
- Struggles for independence, may be bossy and controlling
- Aware of right and wrong
Two factors that highly impact social development are empathy and self-control. As children develop empathy, recognizing and understanding the feelings of others and themselves, they establish social cause and effect skills that guide their interactions with their peers. Self-control develops externally, through parental and environmental control, such as providing routine and consistency. As self-control develops, the child is better able to control their own actions, develop coping skills, and thoughtfully respond to situations.
Parents can foster social and emotional growth in their children every day when they:
- Provide daily routines and consistency to create a secure environment
- Encourage independence, praise attempts and successes (brushing teeth, dressing, feeding pets)
- Provide opportunities to make choices and problem solve (dressing, games, etc.)
- Play with them; help them learn to share, take turns, ask for help; guide in handling disappointment appropriately
- Provide social interaction with other children
- Discuss feelings including those of the child and his/her parents and friends
It is important to understand that if your child has special needs, the developmental milestones of all skills will not develop equally. Physical, intellectual, social, and emotional milestones will each exist on their own growth curve.
Red Flags of Social Development:
- Trouble playing in a group or bullies others
- Aggressive when frustrated
- Withdrawn or sad (in groups or alone)
- Continued anxiety with parental separation
- Lack of interest in others
If there is cause for concern with your child’s development, bring the list of “red flags” to the attention of your child’s preschool teacher, pediatrician, and if necessary a child psychologist.